My friend, Marcia, has transitioned from her body. Her soul lives in another place, or dimension–somewhere I cannot speak to her. I do not have a photographic memory, I did not record my many conversations with Marcia–I can only rely on my memories.
Marcia was one of my spiritual mentors when I participated in a community of like-minded individuals. After I moved off the property and decided not to participate in the community, Marcia and I kept in touch. We became friends, she was no longer my mentor, we loved each other because we had a solid connection and we transitioned our relationship into a mutual friendship.
Now that Marcia is gone from this world what memories make the bigger impression?
I cannot remember numerous wise things she said to me over the years, what stands out is the unsaid things–how she lived her life.
Marcia had been diagnosed with lupus, an auto-immune disease, several years before I met her. And though I saw her struggle at times and helped her after one of her surgeries I assumed she would live well into her 90s. Her spirit was strong and she didn’t let her friends worry for her. The truth is that I cannot know what her life was like on a daily basis, I cannot know where her mind was for the last couple weeks. It is none of my business what her path is in this life and the next, it is not for me to even speculate. Guessing why someone feels, does, or does not do something is none of my business. This is a concept that I was originally introduced to at the spiritual community where I met Marcia. “What you think of me is none of my business.” That is a phrase that the teacher and founder of the community often said. It means also that what I think of you is not relevant–it’s none of my business to impose my ideas for you onto your life.
A few years after I left that community I started attending an Al-anon group (support group for loved ones of alcoholics) and I was reminded of this concept during a meeting.
What you think of me (what I’m sharing, what actions I’ve taken) does not change my experience.
What I think you (the alcoholic or anyone) should do is my control issue and not appropriate to impose on you.
This idea is important for groups like Al-anon where the sharing is personal and vulnerable. The group I went to was open to the public, so even though most of us knew each other well, at any time a new person would be at a meeting. You don’t know them but you still need to share your story, your truth, your experience, because that is why you are there–for you, not them.
Like many people, I play the mind game of speculation. What happened to that person to make them so arrogant? What is the motivation for that person’s rebellion? How does that person feel about their boss, mother, or friend? The endless, and pointless, guessing about people who are not me. On the one hand, this may be an inevitable human trait, something that every human engages in from time to time. But, I can remind myself that none of it is under my control or influence. Plus, I can be wrong! I don’t have insight into someone’s mind and soul to know their motivations and true feelings.
Marcia was someone who lived this principle of mine is mine and yours is not mine. Many times early in our relationship I thought she was disappointed with me, and she wasn’t, because she knew that it was not her business to judge me. I never disappointed her, and I know that in my heart because she lived her life for herself and let me live mine. As my spiritual mentor, she gave me direction where I asked, she didn’t impose her opinions for me, onto me.
Did Marcia have her own opinions about me and others? Of course, but she didn’t let them show and influence the other person. I have a friend who I often feel needs guidance and suggestions and I am comfortable giving her my two-cents–unasked. What makes me so arrogant to think that I know what’s best for another person? Instead of dwelling on that unsettling question I think of the example that Marcia gave me, perhaps the biggest gift that can be given.
When I first heard the phrase “What you think of me is none of my business,” I never thought I could live that way. I usually react to how I perceive what others think of me. But knowing Marcia, I know that it is possible, even for me. Marcia didn’t have children and many people think that is the way that you leave a legacy behind you. That’s only one way. Marcia’s legacy is strong for those of us who knew her and know the Tarot deck that she created. The Awakening Aeon Tarot is full of insight and imagination.
Marcia continues to touch our lives through her art work and for me she continues to remind me that my decisions are mine and not reactions to what other’s have said or done. Marcia and I spoke often about my reactionary tendencies, and I can see the look on her face when I realized that I do not need to default to reacting to others. I spend a good amount of my time and energy thinking about how others judge me–and Marcia helped me to see the ridiculousness in this.
Recently I attended an online class with life couch, Susie Moore, and she said something similar. She said that no one can reject us except for ourselves. If someone rejects my writing or art work or my post on public media, that’s not a rejection of me. It’s my choice to react to that rejection. And I when Susie said this I was immediately reminded of Marcia.
Marcia, your legacy lives on and I will tell everyone I know how you lived what you preached.
